2012 is my YEAR!

I'm back.  And I hope that 2012 will be my year.  I'm going to do everything in power to ensure that I achieve my goals.  I'm also going to bring awareness to a medical condition I have that really hinders my weight loss.  Recently, my beautiful friend and photographer - Amanda Reed - did a series of videos to bring awareness to how words really hurt us.  I participated in the videos as someone who has body image issues, and how I know the population perceives a bigger woman like myself.  I see you judging me when I sit down beside you, enter a restaurant, shop at the grocery store...I always see you.  I hear the whispers, snide comments, hurtful things you say to others around you, and it kills me to hear you say things directly to my face...I always hear you.  "Oh you have such a cute face." AWESOME - that means the rest of me isn't that cute.  That is exactly what a bigger girl does not want to hear.

Here's the thing - I know I eat the wrong things and I don't exercise enough.  You don't have to call that to my attention.  I know exactly what I need to do.  I just have to find the will to want to do it.  See sometimes I just don't feel like functioning or even getting out of bed, but I do it.  So if it takes everything in me to just function for the day, you can bet your sweet ass that the gym is not on the agenda.  I know, I know - I need to make the time.  And that is exactly why this attempt is different.  My body and mind have suffered long enough.  Yes, I'm tired of your stares and your whispers but more importantly of holding myself back.  I have these long-term goals that are probably really stupid for other people.  You know like: ride a rollercoaster, sit comfortably on a plane and not use a seatbelt extender, not be afraid of restaurants with booths or chairs with arms, go shopping with my friends and shop at the same store, maybe start a family in the future, and see that family grow up and achieve their goals.  Some of the goals that people may not think twice about, but to me these are lofty goals to hopefully be achieved in 2012.

Shortly before I got married, I started to gain weight in my stomach area at a rapid pace.  I actually thought I was pregnant, and was really scared and totally unprepared for such a thing.  Well, I wasn't pregnant and almost 10 years later still not pregnant.  I actually suffer from infertility due to a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not only does it come with this awesome infertility side effect, but also several others including increased weight gain especially in the stomach area, acne, and excessive hair growth.  In addition to all these great aspects of PCOS, I also suffer from depression that makes it unbearably hard to even drag my self out of bed.  When I was diagnosed shortly before my wedding, I thought "Damn, what kind of woman I am that I can't give my future husband a child?" My doctor actually said that if I started earlier in life that I would have had more success.  Ok, so at 20 years old my fertility was basically gone.  And that's exactly how I feel some days - like a huge failure and less of a woman.  Yes, my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away, but yet we've never been able to fulfill that need.  I start a diet and then I don't see much success on the scale, and I think what's the use?  My body starts to crave chocolate and I give in - and give in, and give in again.  Yes, I have tried this before but this time I really have the want to achieve my goals.  Maybe our upcoming trip to Aruba has something to do with this new found motivation - ok, it's a huge part of why.  I HAVE TO DO IT!  It's not a want, it's a need - it's necessary to be able to live my life.

Those long-term goals listed above aren't going away, and I just keep adding to my list everyday.  I'm just going to take it day by day while eating my salads and walking briskly on the treadmill and hope to make a dent in the amount of weight I need to lose before this year is up.  I don't know how often I will post, but I remember how blogging helped me the last time.  Hopefully, you can help me along in my journey so I can stay on track.

I'm ready to ring in 2012 with a new outlook on my health!

Before Pictures

I had a very huge wake-up call after our last vacation.  I've always known that I was overweight, and that I really needed to change things.  But when I got home and started looking at our vacation pictures, I knew something had to go - that the FAT had to go.  I realized that on this vacation, I took more pictures of everyone and everything around me and I avoided myself.  I guess I was a little embarrassed of myself, and I didn't want to see pictures anymore.  So of the few pictures that were taken of me on vacation, I'm going to show the pictures that really got me motivated for good!

So, these pictures really started me on my weight loss journey.  I always pictured myself as being curvy and carrying my weight well, but was I wrong.  I now classify myself as "round" and that is not a shape used to describe a woman's body.  I don't want to lose my curves, and I don't think I ever will, but I've got curves in all the wrong places. 

My weight number really bothers me, and I'm extremely embarrassed by it.  However, I have to get over that embarrassment because I am now doing something about it.  Next week, the hubs and I are joining a "Transform Your Body Challenge" (TYBC) at a local gym.  Our friend, who is a personal trainer at said gym, organized this challenge a few months ago with great success.  The hubs and I thought this would be a great way to keep ourselves motivated during our weight loss journey.  So, we weigh in on Monday and take another set of before photos.  Our fitness reading is posted on the TYBC website for all participants, which I am very nervous about.  I mean it's a fitness challenge, I shouldn't be nervous, right?!?  But I've only just admitted my weight number to myself, and now I have to share it with 30 other people.  Maybe having them know will help me come to terms with that number, and help motivate me in ways I can't do myself. 

So, as the slacker that I am, I finally took BEFORE pictures last night before Zumba.  These are in my workout gear, so you get a nice view of the "problem areas".  I hope they aren't problems for long!

Until next time, I leave you with a quote from Julius Erving: "If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end."