I'm back. And I hope that 2012 will be my year. I'm going to do everything in power to ensure that I achieve my goals. I'm also going to bring awareness to a medical condition I have that really hinders my weight loss. Recently, my beautiful friend and photographer - Amanda Reed - did a series of videos to bring awareness to how words really hurt us. I participated in the videos as someone who has body image issues, and how I know the population perceives a bigger woman like myself. I see you judging me when I sit down beside you, enter a restaurant, shop at the grocery store...I always see you. I hear the whispers, snide comments, hurtful things you say to others around you, and it kills me to hear you say things directly to my face...I always hear you. "Oh you have such a cute face." AWESOME - that means the rest of me isn't that cute. That is exactly what a bigger girl does not want to hear.
Here's the thing - I know I eat the wrong things and I don't exercise enough. You don't have to call that to my attention. I know exactly what I need to do. I just have to find the will to want to do it. See sometimes I just don't feel like functioning or even getting out of bed, but I do it. So if it takes everything in me to just function for the day, you can bet your sweet ass that the gym is not on the agenda. I know, I know - I need to make the time. And that is exactly why this attempt is different. My body and mind have suffered long enough. Yes, I'm tired of your stares and your whispers but more importantly of holding myself back. I have these long-term goals that are probably really stupid for other people. You know like: ride a rollercoaster, sit comfortably on a plane and not use a seatbelt extender, not be afraid of restaurants with booths or chairs with arms, go shopping with my friends and shop at the same store, maybe start a family in the future, and see that family grow up and achieve their goals. Some of the goals that people may not think twice about, but to me these are lofty goals to hopefully be achieved in 2012.
Shortly before I got married, I started to gain weight in my stomach area at a rapid pace. I actually thought I was pregnant, and was really scared and totally unprepared for such a thing. Well, I wasn't pregnant and almost 10 years later still not pregnant. I actually suffer from infertility due to a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not only does it come with this awesome infertility side effect, but also several others including increased weight gain especially in the stomach area, acne, and excessive hair growth. In addition to all these great aspects of PCOS, I also suffer from depression that makes it unbearably hard to even drag my self out of bed. When I was diagnosed shortly before my wedding, I thought "Damn, what kind of woman I am that I can't give my future husband a child?" My doctor actually said that if I started earlier in life that I would have had more success. Ok, so at 20 years old my fertility was basically gone. And that's exactly how I feel some days - like a huge failure and less of a woman. Yes, my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away, but yet we've never been able to fulfill that need. I start a diet and then I don't see much success on the scale, and I think what's the use? My body starts to crave chocolate and I give in - and give in, and give in again. Yes, I have tried this before but this time I really have the want to achieve my goals. Maybe our upcoming trip to Aruba has something to do with this new found motivation - ok, it's a huge part of why. I HAVE TO DO IT! It's not a want, it's a need - it's necessary to be able to live my life.
Those long-term goals listed above aren't going away, and I just keep adding to my list everyday. I'm just going to take it day by day while eating my salads and walking briskly on the treadmill and hope to make a dent in the amount of weight I need to lose before this year is up. I don't know how often I will post, but I remember how blogging helped me the last time. Hopefully, you can help me along in my journey so I can stay on track.
I'm ready to ring in 2012 with a new outlook on my health!
